Why do we do psychological tests? Think about it. We all know these don't work. Especially the kind I tried today. The kind with the word crosses 'the first three words you find describe you best' especially. I know it's crap very well, just like you and I did it still. Because I was bored and curious and I wanted to see what I would find and then ask my friends what they had found and compare, and talk and all that.
I got secrets, lust and malice.
Damn! I thought… That's pretty harsh isn't it? Besides the fact that it sounds pretty badass, downright it's not pretty at all. That cannot really sum up who I am anyway, so I shouldn't get too excited, I know that, don't I? Everyone is malicious sometimes, everyone feels lust for people they love or want to fuck. And everyone has secrets, one or two of which they have told of to the wrong person. It's, actually, pretty sad that so many people have the urge to do all those tests just to find out things that are true for just about everyone. Yeah we all know a conservative girl who thinks sex is icky, but who dreams of the craziest dreams that same night after she's convinced you of her angelic virginity. And there are always people who claim to hide no secrets from the people closest to them. And certainly, the world is full of people who claim they are God's good will in it's purest.
But they are all the same in fact. They are made of the same qualities, in different correlations. Your mother, your boss, your friend, your hairdresser. All of them snap, yell, betray, lie, love and so on. So why do tests at all. Why is everyone searching for an individuality that will somehow magically make them different, unique and MORE than everyone else is? It's a bit egoistical I think. to secretly want to read something outstanding and special. To want to hear or see or read something about yourself that will raise your status in your own eyes, or in the eyes of others. Not through psychological test, fuck those. These were just a metaphor of course. A metaphor for people's egoism, I do hope you understood that.
And I also hope you understand, that I'm not writing all this because I've just discovered that oh-my-god, people are selfish, no. This is just a sort of a release of nerve, and for once I don't care if you, dear reader, have read this text through or not. But if you have, do excuse my generalizations and angst against the human nature. I have simply tasted again, too much of the bitter part of said human nature. Perhaps not yet bitter enough, as my brian surely isn't one of a decade old wise yoga preacher. But it's wise enough to take into and decipher the yelling voice and sense that this person is yelling at you, out of fear for their own status. For their own ego. To make out the truth and the lies of a chatter filled with subtle hints of someone's past.
I never liked my mom talking to me about ego, and how we all have it, and how none can escape from it. And how it's a bad thing, making us all do bad things. It sounded so banal and well-rehearsed out of her mouth. She bought book about beating it down, her friends and her liked to argue loudly while I was falling asleep. Only now did I come to understand why she bought book about it, why she argued and yelled that it could be beater down, that she believed that the horrible ego could be surpassed, controlled and tamed. The same reason for her belief, is what;s pushing me into writing all this down and out. I really hate all that ego crap. All of that truth, discovered long before I decided to hold my silent head high even thought I doubted myself more than anyone else doubted themselves (or so I thought, as your regular shy kid). I've hated it all along but I didn't know it. And all throughout, when I've said I don't, that I can't ate anyone or anything, I knew and I felt the ego in my speaking, convincing me, helping me to believe that I'm more than my doubts of myself. It still is speaking loud and vivid as I write. But at least, I can admit it now. I hate it, I can hate, and I love to hate this ego. My ego.
Perhaps admitting this will bring me closer, or already has brought me closer to controlling this, the ego. Or perhaps, all throughout this is it's voice, it's thoughts and intentions. Truths or lies don't matter much to it, it eats them non the less and grows bigger at any thought of achievement. At any thought that I have grown, it grows. After all, my ego would be glad that I think I'm closer to mastering it. And perhaps, I'm only feeding the beast fatter.
But it doesn't really matter, as like it says in the books, and like all the old people say, you can never part ways with it. You just have to learn to live with it.
